My girlfriend …
Yes, I know, I’m 49 in less than a week and I’m probably too old to have a girlfriend, but “partner” implies that we have a business together, or she’s from the American Old West, or something and we not only don’t have a business together, but she’s had to go bankrupt and I don’t want to be dragged into that world of shite by being financially linked to her, so I’ll just call her my girlfriend, for now, evn though she’s 50 in the summer, so she’s not really a girl, anymore, is she!
You make it sound like she’s had a sex change!
She wouldn’t have a sex change just because she’s about to turn 50!
You’re now saying that having a sex change is a bad thing.
No, I’m not at all and if she, or anyone wants to have a sex change, then good luck to them, there’s nothing wrong with it, so let’s leave that at that, please.
So you’d be happy for her to have a sex change?
Well, not really, but if that’s what she truly wanted, then I’d be happy for her.
Right, so she’s my friend and she isn’t a boy, but “womanfriend” doesn’t work, doesn’t have a ring to it.
What about “lady friend”?
That makes me think that she smells of lavender and just comes round for sex!
A lady wouldn’t do that.
Well, maybe lady isn’t correct, although as you can see, I’m not built for rampant rumpy pumpy anymore and that’s not even taking into consideration that I still haven’t fully recovered from my circumscision, yet, but that’s another story!
OK, she doesn’t come round just for sex, but would if it was readily available, so she’s not quite a lady.
Where was I? Oh, yeah. My no longer a girl, although not having had a sex change, more of a woman, who’s not a real lady, although she’s not part of the lavender set, yet, but not far off, likes a bit sex when she can get it, although that’s not too often at the moment due to my medical reasons friend came in from working nightshift the other day, as a carer and told me that she’d had an experience with a ghost! Yes! I know! Well, it turns out that it was around 3 o’clock in the morning and she heard a strange noise coming from the adjoining bathroom. She told me that the bath sounded like it was filling up.
How’s that strange?
Well, listen and I’ll tell you!
The bath was filling up and then it sounded like someone was in the bath, slooshing water about, as if washing their hair with a jug.
That’s still not strange and nothing to be frightened of. It’s a bathroom for goodness sake!
Yeah, I know, but….there was no light on and when my girlfriend…
Don’t got there, again!
When my girlfriend mustered up enough courage to kick open the door to see what was going on, she did so, put on the light, and there was no one there, with the bath as dry as a bone!
I know! She was terrified, but decided to mention it when the change of staff came in. She began to tell her tale about hearing noises at three o’clock, that morning. One of the carers interrupted her and said “Three o’clock? That’s the witching hour, when the ghosts and ghouls like to come out!” My girlfriend acknowledged that and told them what had happened. “Ahh that’ll have been Agnes,” said one of the women, “because she used to love having a bath in there!” Then they all wondered about it, feeling uneasy and scared.
Now, I don’t think that a ghost having a bath is anything to particularly be scared about, but I didn’t really think of that, when she told me the story.
The bit I focused on, was when one of the women told her about three o’clock being the witching hour.
Now, I’ve heard that before and it’s been mentioned in horror films and the like, but I just wondered if the ghosts and ghouls would know about the clocks going forward, yesterday! Would they make the error of not taking that into consideration and either being an hour late, or an hour early, for half of the year? I then wondered about how things may have a been a nightmare for the ghosts in years gone by, when time hadn’t been regulated before the advent of the railway age, because it may be three o’clock in one town, but just down the road, the next town would have a different time, because they’d go by the time of the sun going down, so how would ghosts have known? Would it have been easier to follow the early train timetables, showing all of the different times of each town and they could set their pocket watches to suit, or did they get confused until everything was regulated and set to Greenwich Mean Time? What about ghosts of poor people, who couldn’t afford watches? Did they just guess? Or did they ask a richer ghost? What if they didn’t know how to tell the time?
They’d be knackered then!
What a nightmare!